On Adam Yauch

Posted in Uncategorized on May 15, 2012 by Juha

It’s taken me a moment to formulate words about Yauch’s passing, I think cuz though we see celebrities who we love and respect die suddenly all the time, there’s usually something expected about it even as we’re still shocked and it comes outta nowhere; they’ve led messy lives publicly, lives filled with addiction and DUI charges and mental illness and domestic abuse and prison sentences, their laundry has been front page of the tabloids, they’ve been controversial for their “gangsta” and for their beefs with others… or they’re just elderly, and it’s their known time to leave the planet. Yauch didn’t fit these categories. He was the Buddha of the Baffoons, self-effacing, could somehow manage Hip Hop cred and Tibetan rights activism, spirituality and the goofiest of rhymes all at once. The Beastie Boys were fearlessly willing to grow up and evolve in public, in large part due to him. They went from fighting to call their first album Don’t Be A Faggot to taking out a full page apology of their own will to the gay community in the Wall Street Journal years later, they became outspoken activists for so many of the causes we hold dear… And yet… never stopped being the awesome juvenile pranksters that they always were, never became boring and self-serious and dogmatic. Their humor was still 15-year-old boy fart jokes. How did they do that? And I believe a ton of it came down to MCA. With that gravelly voice, he was the most soft-spoken of them in ALL ways, and yet his solid energy always pervaded through everything. As an emcee, he was always the one I wanted to be most. Actually, my Juha song “Dip Dip” started as a remix of the Boys’ “Alive” for a remix contest they threw, but instead of using their a cappella in the end I ended up doing my own rap instead… cuz I saw a chance to try and imitate him without looking like I was trying to imitate him (- I’ve always hated imitation unless done ironically, and prided myself on being “unique,” so it was hard for me to admit to myself that I was, in effect, being influenced by someone else). He could do a mix of deep and funny in his rhymes that few could rival. He fuckin made friends with the Dalai Lama and brought the world to global consciousness around the issue of Tibetan rights in a way no activist group had the possibility of doing… he was a rock star, and he used that status brilliantly and humbly and in a way that cracked me up. The Beastie Boys were definitely not the Hip Hop I fell in love with first, but a band I came to respect and then accept into my view of the pantheon and then just adored with full passion. There’s no “lead” in the Boys, but he was the lead for me. Though I’m no longer a Buddhist, I send him all the blessings of this faith that I still respect so much, and his passing has made him even more alive in my heart than ever. And that’s, for now, what I have to say about Yauch.

GET TO NOMY AGAIN!

Posted in Interviews, Music on April 20, 2012 by Juha

Nomy, on the Lamm

In 2003, I interviewed the “fat-ass, bad-ass, Jew dyke amputee” Nomy Lamm for Rockrgrl, the groundbreaking magazine founded by Carla DeSantis.  We’d just done a tour together, and she was promoting her electro/accordian/soul album, Effigy. I’d already fallen in love with her music (and the girl herself), but Effigy took my breath away and made my pelvis swing like mad.

While listening to her later band Tricrotic (imagine old world gothic carnies conducting a pagan circle), I decided to reprint the article here.  Then I decided I should follow it up by interviewing Nomy in-the-now.  Here we go… first a new interview, then the vintage Rockrgrl.

Nomy, you were a solo artist the last time I toured with you, but later formed the band Tricrotic – a band that left me hypnotized.  Tricrotic eventually ceased – I don’t think “broke up” would be the right phrase, because the good energy between bandmates seems to be alive – due to your move from Olympia to San Francisco.  I’m wondering why you moved to San Francisco, and if you’re back to being a solo artist or have a new band in the works.

I moved to San Francisco because me and my partner at the time wanted to live in a queer mecca.  We spent the first year and a half here in a studio in the Tenderloin before we found this gorgeous Victorian flat in the Mission.  And my band now is Nomy Lamm & the Whole Wide World, and it means that whoever I play with is in my band.   It involves the audience and the different people on stage with me each time I play.  I’m really interested in possibilities for super-inclusive musical spaces.  My brother saw a show I played last summer and said “Ah, Nomy finally gets to have a congregation!”

Nomy in the Sins Invalid concert, ‘Bird Song.’

Also, Sins Invalid has been really significant in my life in the last few years.  It’s a performance project centralizing on queers and people of color with disabilities.  They create work around disability, sexuality, social justice, and embodiment.

And I’m also in grad school for creative writing, and writing this collection of interconnected fables about trauma and transformation.

You mentioned in our last interview that ya didn’t expect to become famous.  But I’m always amazed at how the “underground” influences those who reach the mainstream.  I stumbled upon an interview with The Gossip’s Beth Ditto – another punk-rooted fat queer lady with a soulful voice – where she name-checked you as a major influence.  How does that feel?

I love the Gossip.  And it’s nice she said that about me, and I’m happy for them.  I hope I get to sing with Beth some day!  Maybe she will be in Nomy Lamm & the Whole Wide World.

As musicians, much of our world revolves around sound.  And yet both of us were gravitating towards the practice of silent meditation when we spoke last.  Do you still meditate?

I just went to a week-long queer silent meditation that was so beautiful!  Life-changing.  I also have my own practice, which is sometimes more consistent than others.  I appreciate Buddhism and the Dharma for preserving the possibility of clear-seeing in the world.  I wanna know myself and bust out of my own constructions… to know freedom.  Judaism, specifically Kabala, has been really useful and meaningful for me, too.  And tarot.  And I really appreciate the witchy people in my life, and practice my own kind of witchery.  And of course, singing is a really big part of my spiritual practice.

Finally, when I last saw ya, you described your prosthetic leg of the time as physically painful, and were talking about the possibility of getting a new one.  Did that happen?

I did get a new leg about six years ago, and am now in the process of getting another one.  I really like my prosthetist; he’s a sculptor and a meditator, and really fucking cute.  The new leg has a really beautiful black shiny socket, and I’ve decided not to put a cover over it – moving away from the doll-image into ergonomic specificity.  Heh.  It looks hot!

*

GET TO NOMY!
from Rockrgrl Magazine

“One of the greatest challenges to my self from the universe is to live within fractured identities.  There’s not any specific identity that I can stand 100% firmly inside of, and that gives me a deeper perspective to understand things from.”

So says Nomy Lamm, the self-described “Fat-ass bad-ass jew dyke amputee” who’s unclogging our heads of all the filthy ideas we’ve swallowed about ourselves.  She’s offering some gorgeous alternatives to those ideas, too.

Nomy’s zines and theatrical lectures on fat oppression (the latter of which finds her dressed in fairy wings and waving a magic wand) got her mad props from Ms. Magazine in 1997, when she was cited as one of their Women of the Year.  She’s also rocked it on the Sister Spit spoken word tour, and popped up in everything from indie movies to medicine shows.

But it’s her music that this child of musical theater-gone-punk calls home.  Her solo debut Anthem was released in 2000, and – with its mix of revolution-minded themes and haunting, soulful vocals – it instantly became a classic of the Olympia punk scene.  She followed it up later that year with The Transfused, a soundtrack to the acclaimed anti-corporate rock musical that she created with the Need.

Now Nomy’s back with a new album.  And though she remains every bit the self-created bad-ass diva, things are very different now.

***

Is that, is that what you are telling me?

You free your mind, you free your effigy?

“Effigy” is the title track of Nomy’s latest.  Effigy is also a symbol that is central to the album as a whole, revealing the new spirit from which she’s working these days.

EFFIGY SONG

“The effigy is the representation of the self,” she explains.  “The album documents a really intense process I was going through of facing my fears about who I was in the world, letting go of the ideas that dictate my behaviors, and just letting myself Be how I am.  As a Virgo – with a super analytical, tightly controlled brain – the ‘free your mind’ was really literal for me.  I couldn’t function anymore within the rules and assumptions I’d set for myself and been conditioned with.  So ‘you free your mind you free your effigy’ is about opening things up inside for new experiences and ways of perceiving the world.  It’s about letting go of expectations, so we can learn how to be in the moment and live in a way that feels authentic.”

‘Effigy’ album cover

The album also marks a sharp shift in focus from an external concept of revolution to an internal one.  “I pretty much had a nervous breakdown when I finished The Transfused.  I had worked myself so hard and completely ignored my body. I was totally dissociated.  There was a point where I started having visions of myself falling down the stairs.   That was when I realized I needed to get with it or bad shit was gonna go down.  I went through a couple really introspective, really magical, painful years, just fuckin delving into it.   It helped me understand on a deeper level the effects of industrialization, colonization, brainwashing, patriarchy, and all these other things that I’d been politically analyzing from a dissociated perspective.”

With Effigy, she’s even invented a magic word for the occasion: “Fuckaroo,” which is both the title of a rocking sing-a-long and a word to be said when casting off old ideas and preconceived notions.

As ever, it’s Nomy’s hurricane vocals that take center stage on the new album.  God would be telling the angels to take note even if she were singing over a busted kazoo.  Still, there’s a huge sonic difference between Anthem’s charred punk operatics and Effigy’s sleek electronica thump.

“What I’m doing now is total disco-pop,” she says, but adds that “It’s still punk because it was created through punk channels using punk ethics.”  This is made clear in tracks like “Not A Girl,” which moves wild booty and rebels against societal brainwashing all at once.  I’m not a girl the way you want a girl, she sings, I’m not a girl the way you call a girl your home and shelter/I was made for my own pleasure.

“I figure my music will just keep changing depending on who I’m working with and what equipment I have access to,” she says of the new sound.  “Programming shit on a drum machine makes it a lot easier to be a one-person band.

And then there’s her accordion, a most unlikely candidate to propel a fierce disco record, but which Nomy pumps through Effigy and rocks the dance floor with live.  “Playing the accordion changes what I do a lot.  I just got a new one and it’s so beautiful, it brings that whole aspect to another level.”

While drum machines and accordion accompany her during smaller shows, they are only part of her “Effigy Extravaganza,” a full-on production with elaborate costumes, dancers, and set changes that is currently zig-zagging across the coasts.  Think Madonna’s Blonde Ambition gone DIY.

Initially, Nomy had reservations about how a show with huge pop-world production values would be received, and was quick to tell potential collaborators that it was not a pop parody. “When I was first conceptualizing this show and trying to explain it to people, I was afraid people would get hung up on the ‘freak show’ aspect of it. ‘Oh, it’s ironic, cuz a fat amputee could never be a superstar.’”  But as the team came together she felt less defensive about it, and the fact is that Nomy already is a superstar, and her collaborators know it even when she doesn’t.  And in large part she’s made it this far because she’s been singing that “freak show” aspect – the “Bad-ass fat-ass jew dyke amputee” – loudly and proudly since the beginning.

“My art, activism, and writing came out of a community that focused a lot on identity politics, and I found that it was powerful and got people’s attention to list identities like that.  It’s funny the different ways people will respond sometimes…  they’re like ‘Oh, don’t say that bad stuff about yourself’ and I have to try to explain that it’s just a description, that none of those terms imply a value judgment to me.   So if they have a negative reaction to those words, that’s their issue to deal with.  Sometimes I think it would be nice to just be knows as a ‘musician’ or ‘writer,’ but I also think the title helps me reach a lot of people who I wouldn’t otherwise – people outside the punk or alternative scene… disabled queers and Jewish lesbians and fat activists….”

In fact, at this point the only thing that contains Nomy’s fame to a particular scene is exposure, as no one who witnesses her in motion can ever forget her.

While she’s actively claimed all parts of herself, in the years leading up to Effigy Nomy found that her self-searching will often bring her back to Judaism.  Though she’s inspired by a wide range of spiritual practices (from Buddhism to “the mystical arts”), Judaism is one that she’s known her whole life.

“My Jewishness is an ethnicity, culture, spiritual heritage, community, and political framework.  In many ways it has been a source of strength and belonging for me in the world.  It’s also been a source of pain and alienation.  I was the only Jew in my entire elementary school, I’ve been the victim of anti-Jewish hate crimes, and I grew up with the pain of the holocaust hanging over my head.  At the same time, I was raised in a very white community with access to a lot of privilege, where Jewishness was spoken of as a religion and wasn’t particularly racialized.  I was taught a lot of middle class white liberal values about being ‘accepting’ and ‘celebrating diversity.’  This kind of conditioning is cool in some ways, but can be false when you’re operating in the context of a predominantly white community and living on colonized land.”

This is why today Nomy identifies as a “white girl Jew,” claiming both a white and minority identity in a punk scene that, like her birth community, constantly checks itself around issues of race and racism, but is challenged when it comes to actually integrating people of color (“You may be the first person of color I’ve ever heard really commend white punks for the work they’ve done around race,” she tells me at one point.  “It’s a nice thing to hear.”)  The hope is that as she learns to balance seeming contradictions within herself, the integration process will spill over into her work and inspire us to do the same.  Effigy brilliantly lays the groundwork.

“There’s so much work that I want to do to bring together different pieces of my life – the Jewish history, and what it means to survive intense persecution and keep a purpose that has to do with healing and transformation… With my queer understanding of sexuality and gender and identity, mixed with the complications of disability in an industrialized age.  Plus there’s just all the internal work of being in a body and living in a world that is not conducive to healthy living, trying to untangle the threads of hypocrisy and preconceptions so that I can make clear choices every moment and live with love.”

Integration is the key these days.  On the road, she even integrates her personal life with her life in the spotlight, interrupting a show to whip out a cell phone and call her sweetheart from the stage.  “I’ve got a birthday song for you,” she says, and then to the audience, “Can y’all make some noise?”  One song and some wild applause later, she’s saying into the receiver, “Aw thanks, I love you too!  But I have to go now cuz, y’know, I’m in the middle of a concert…” Even the drunk frat boy – who’s been trying to seduce her by yelling “Hey, Baby!” from the front row – seems touched  (“You’re gonna be fun tonight, I can just tell,” she’d said to him earlier with a sly smile.  By the end of the show he’s watching her with an awe-struck respect).

Somebody once said that if you hear Nomy Lamm’s coming, it’s worth it to go see her even if all she’s gonna do is just sit there.  It’s a magnetic power she’s got, and she’s gonna need it the more her work bubbles up from the underground and into the masses.

“I have these ideas about the impact I want to have on the world,” she says, “ and things I want to be able to do before I leave it.  A lot of that shit is kinda crazy and maybe delusional.  But a lot of it has already come true, and it’s helped me do a lot in my life.  Yeah, I know I want a lot.  I always want a lot.   But I usually find what I need, and so I have faith that I will get it when I’m ready.”

And when she does, the world is in for a treat.

For more Nomy, peep http://www.nomylamm.com

Do Not Be Afraid of Th’ Mole

Posted in Interviews, Music on November 22, 2011 by Juha

Th' Mole - photo by Amber Dawn Parker

“I’ve always listened to hip hop,” says Th’ Mole, “but my recorded music has almost always been a fusion of traditional hip hop and other genres.  I wish I didn’t have to give my music a name.”

 I met Th’ Mole after he’d dug his way beneath the ocean from California, popping his head up through the Maui sand.  The Maui music scene at the time consisted pretty much of three genres: “Jawaiian,” metal, and a much more mainstream brand of hip hop than anyone in my crew was making.  That left little room for musical misfits – those of us who sounded nothing like each other musically, but were bonded through the spirit of not fitting any scene.  Th’ Mole was the guy who would tap all our different styles and bring them together into a seamless mix.  He started group remix projects, he sampled everyone from the most abstract electronic to the most folksy amongst us in his own music.  He was a mighty strong glue of the community.


Above: Th’ Mole’s “Go Horsie” video

As a producer, Th’ Mole makes everything from silly, plucky beats to bombastic sounds of the apocalypse.  Tying his sound together is his voice, which manages to be instantly recognizable and elastic all at once.  I would call his early vocal delivery “dorky,” but that implies a lack of cool and purposefulness… he always owned his style.  In recent years his vocals have been expanding rapidly in tone, revealing more and more sides to his character with each new album.  Native to Nevada City/California but ever a nomad, since hopping off Maui he’s lived in Oakland, New Orleans, Portland, and who knows where else.  I caught up with this little genius and treasured collaborator of mine in cyberspace upon the release of his latest, Do Not Be Afraid

In past rhymes you’ve touched on alien conspiracy theories, addressed world politics, listed off ways to not be an asshole, and slipped some spiritual stuff into the mix.  You’ve made a touching ode to unicorns.  Essentially, you’ve presented rhymes that challenge mainstream views and ways of life and offered alternatives to them.  You’ve also bust through limitations people may put on what hip hop subject matter can be about.  Can you distill yr message or mission or spiritual root down to just a couple words or sentences?

Don’t believe anything you hear and only half of what you see.  Nothing is certain.  Anything is possible.  By the way, I don’t subscribe to any alien conspiracy theories necessarily, although I don’t discount them either.

Photo by Amber Dawn Parker

On that tip, we were both into David Icke’s books about the reptilians for awhile, but I’ve got a sense we’ve both gone off it….

I decided that David Icke’s Reptilian stuff was likely a hoax, or at least that the way he presented the info was not constructive; it just made me feel scared, with no hope for a solution.  Even if his theories are true, pointing out negativity without positive solutions seems wrong to me.  I’ve been out of the loop on conspiracy stuff.  There’s lots of info to fill my head, and I would rather concentrate on empowering ideas rather than scary things.


Above: Th’ Mole’s “I Love Unicorns” video

We’ve collaborated a bunch, but rarely in the same studio…  I’ve pretty much just seen you working obsessively at home on yr music or rockin a show.  You’re also extremely prolific, releasing more records in a year than most do in their lifetime.  So basically my image of Th’ Mole is you, holed-up in a batcave, bent over your computer for hours, consumed by making the perfect beat slice… and then jumping on stage.  And then jumping off stage back to your computer.  Do you ever just hang out? And if so, what do you do?

I’m a strange creature, mostly hermetic [the mole species are both as well – Collin], but I love my friends.  I’ve been working on getting over my personal insecurities and hence have been a lot more social in recent months.  When I was little I barely spoke to anyone.  What I like to do when I hang out? Make people laugh, and learn about different cultures, ideas, and theories.

I remember that when you and Demune were living together in Maui, you two made a pact to sit up straight while you worked.  How’s your posture now?

I totally forgot about that pact.  My posture kind of sucks – I still need to work on it.

What does Th' Mole cook? He usually eats out. The infamous banned Myspace photo.

Th’ Mole is more than a man… he has a legend attached to him.  Explain it, please.

Basically, Th’ Mole is a multidimensional consciousness, manifesting itself on this planet as animal moles, skin moles, and various other agents, such as myself.  We are here to help.  The individuals who make up Th’ Mole do not necessarily understand their own purpose – this is partially for protection.  Th’ Mole cannot be infiltrated because its components are separate and incomplete – blind, we can say.  This includes me – I don’t know the full story of where we’re going or how we’ll get there, but I know about Mole Holes – private tunnels in general reality which make it possible to bend the rules of space and time.  I know that skin moles are energy amplifiers – the sun is attracted to the extra pigmentation, thereby magnifying the sun’s energy.  And I know that Th’ Mole is spread far and wide.  You, Collin, are part of it too.  That’s just a snippet of the legend.  I could write a book or a movie about it, and maybe I will someday.

You can get Th’ Mole’s latest album, Do Not Be Afraid, at his Bandcamp page.  His alter-ego DJ 0.000001 produces the Magical Bass radio show HERE.  He’s the only emcee I’ve known who’s explained how if he had to have sex with a different species, it would be a unicorn.

Get 'Do Not Be Afraid' now.

SPROUT Bookkeeping

Posted in Interviews on November 7, 2011 by Juha

Ariel Wilsey-Gopp on Bookkeeping for Underdogs

a painting by Ariel

 

Ariel amazes me. “I want you to direct my solo show,” I told her after meeting just a couple times at beer-drenched parties. “My show is about AIDS, it’s pretty graphic, it’s a love story, and I think you should do it.” “I’ve never done theater before!” she said, “…but yes!” It was one of the moments where my intuition was spot-on, and I got a lot of recognition and some grants for that show we did together.  She was the perfect mix of visionary and practical gal.  Then she wrote her own hilarious comedy about life as a misfit.  And started making the paintings that she shows in gallery spaces now.  And became a published photographer with an eye so gorgeous and unique that it made me and a host of others feel like kings and queens for being her subjects.  Oh yeah – she can sing opera.

     When Ariel announced she was going to accounting school, we were all a bit shocked.  She rocked it.  She could do the corporate and art worlds at the same time.  She suddenly was an ace at all the daunting, scary legal stuff, and even helped me open my 501(c)(3) non-profit arts company.  Suddenly I was legal and legit!  And now, Ariel has opened her own bookkeeping service, Sprout.   I’ve always had an immense kinship with Ariel and tons of love for her, but – what with me being a business idiot – there’s always been this one part of her mind that I never figured out.  In this interview about Sprout, I learned a lot about it.

Ariel (right) busts a move with Carissa Williams

You’ve just opened Sprout, and it seems like while you’re open to working with all kinds of businesses, you naturally gravitate towards “underdogs” or ones outside the standard business fields.  On your site you reported doing a survey with “recently self-employed individuals who had graduated from a trade school or similar organization.” Amongst them: “Web developers, graphic designers, freelance artists, massage therapists, naturopathic physicians, and other wellness practitioners.” In other words, a lot of folks working outside the mainstream.  Is focusing on those outside the mainstream a conscious decision?

I think I get along better with people who are outside the mainstream.  While I’m open to working for anyone, I would like to pull into my circle those folks who are on the outside of the business world – mostly because I enjoy their company more.  Part of my decision to start my own company was to remove from my life things like business attire, impressing people, and fitting into a box.  If the average business person calls someone like me to meet with them, they expect certain formalities and a certain type of person: clean cut, conservative in appearance.  The last thing I want to feel is trapped in the same box I intended to get out of.  I also want to promote the idea that your bookkeeper or business person doesn’t have to LOOK like a business person.  You can have pink hair and be covered in tattoos and know your shit about taxes too.  So I guess it’s about changing the status quo.  But more than that, I want to be able to enjoy the company of my clients; I want to be excited about and interested in the projects or work they are doing.  I don’t just want to do the books for a bunch of retail shops or cafes or lawyers.  I’d gladly take on a client here or there, but I don’t want it to be my focus.  There are a LOT of people out there doing really awesome things and creating amazing art and projects – I want to learn about those things and help those people because it’s interesting and stimulating work.  I think I would not do this if it meant having 30 clients in the construction industry.  I’d bore myself to tears.  So far I have worked with someone who is pioneering a new touch therapy, and also with a pair of folks who are tracking down languages that are nearing extinction and giving people the tools to revitalize and pass on their native language.  Whether or not I was doing work for these people, their projects are fascinating, and I’d want to hear about what they do anyway!  I’m also an oddball, and I think the underdog is also often an oddball.  I want to get along with my clients.  We don’t have to be best friends, but I still want to like them as people.  The last thing I want is a bunch of clients that I dread having to interact with, because then what are you filling your life up with?  A bunch of people who do not inspire you and do not bring joy to your day?  Life is short, and my philosophy is to fill it with joy and positive people.  There are a LOT of stressed out, money-driven  individuals who need help with bookkeeping and business stuff; I used to work for them, but it brings down the quality of my own life and that to me is not worth it.

No joke: when Ariel took a "Career Advisory" test in high school, the top career suggestion for her was "Mime." Instead, she photographed mimes.

This is sort of the lense I’m looking at you through: In our early days, you found yourself immensely talented in the arts: writing, photography, theatre, paintings.  And you had immense passion for art, and art made you no money, as it didn’t for many of us.  You then found out that you were also great at accounting, and that you had no passion for accounting whatsoever… and made good money doing it.  Would you say that with Sprout, you’ve created a life for yourself that happily merges your skills in a way that takes the best of both worlds? You can make a living wage through the business while enjoying that you’re generating prosperity for artists like yourself? Get the mortgage paid while knowing that you’re truly helping others who need help?

I don’t think I ever had a great passion for art.  I don’t have a PASSION for it.  I enjoy it, but even if I’m just sitting around, I don’t spend my time doing art.  I think I’ve spent a good number of years figuring that out.  I do enjoy it, I need to do it on some level – it’s a way to express myself, which needs to be there.  But mostly I think I have always been trying to search for a way to control my own time and my own day.  I do NOT like to get up and be required to be somewhere on someone else’s time for their purpose.  It makes me upset and I get down and I start to wither away.  I can do it, but at some point (not too far into any job), I start to give up and rebel and then I leave.  The longest job I have ever had was 2.5 years and I would have left after 1.5 years but I got pregnant and needed financially to stay until maternity leave.  That last year was AWFUL and I was basically told I was the worst employee of all time.  Which was true.  I just did not give a shit anymore.  Usually I do good work and then quit when I can’t take it anymore and everyone is sad I am leaving because I usually give 110%, but that is because I’m a perfectionist and don’t want to disappoint anyone, which is a whole OTHER psycho-drama we can get into.  But my main idea with accounting was this:  I saw a lot of talented and creative people making mistakes that could easily be avoided.  I’m a very organized and practical person.  I’m detailed.  I like reading fine print.  So I saw this as a way to help people and ALSO work on my own terms.  All the accountants I knew worked for themselves basically.  I probably would have been a lawyer since that seems even more helpful to people, but that meant lots and lots of school.  Accounting was easier to study for.  But once I got INTO the profession – got a job, saw what accountants have to do in the real world, I realized that in order to do this stuff on my own, I needed to be a CPA and take the CPA exam, which is basically like taking the bar exam – years of studying the most boring awful laws about accounting and then taking a massive test that is in four parts over four days.  I am really, really bad at taking tests.  My SAT score was something like 600 altogether.  I’m a very smart person, I am a fast learner and do my work thoroughly and precisely, but something about a test puts me into a panic and my mind goes blank.  So I knew that the CPA route was not for me.  It’s a shame, because if I did it, I could charge a lot more for my services, I could do people’s taxes and advise them on tax issues, as well.  Not having the license means I can’t do any of that, at least not in Oregon.  If I moved to another state the rules are different.  So, it means I have to tell people that I can’t do their actual taxes at year-end and that is a drawback to hiring me, of course, since you want it all in one person, ideally.

Ariel has also photographed aliens

But back to Sprout.  I also realized that having the license meant a lot more liability and stress.  You don’t just get the license and that is it – you have to maintain it, be up on the latest tax changes.  That wouldn’t be difficult, but with it comes the responsibility of doing people’s taxes, and being responsible for their return.  That is honestly a level of responsibility I don’t want to take on.  So after my child was born, I hemmed and hawed about what the hell I was going to do with this knowledge and with my need to work from home.  It took a few years, but I eventually realized that what I really enjoy doing is helping people.  I really love it when I can show someone how to do something they didn’t think they could do.  Giving people the tools to empower themselves is a great feeling.  I’d rather be paid a one-time fee to show people how to do things for themselves next time than just do their bookkeeping.  I knew that I did not want to just be your average bookkeeper.  True, I could generate more money that way, and faster, but I think there is a service that is lacking out there – an education around bookkeeping and money organization.  That is the hole I’m trying to fill.  My mother told me since I was little that I should be a teacher.  And since, people have told me the same, that I explain things really, really well.  That I make things clear that seem totally and utterly daunting.  I pushed away that teacher thing for a long time, since my idea of a teacher was the teachers in school, who have to grade papers and deal with rooms full of obnoxious kids.  But somehow in these few years, I saw the kind of teacher I could be, and honestly more than an accountant more than an owner of my own business, I see myself as a teacher.  Teachers pass on tools for learning and I think that is what I do. There really has never been a bridge between the suits in the business world and the artist or un-business professional, and I hope to be that bridge.  When I conducted that survey you mentioned above, most people said “I don’t know what my accountant does, they just do what they do and I pay them.”  That has always seemed really wrong to me.  You should know what they do and why they are charging you hundreds of dollars to do it!  If you don’t have a lot of activity in your business (and most underdogs or small business owners do not), it’s not that difficult.  In the end you may want to just let someone else handle it, but we should all strive to be a bit more self-sufficient, I think.

Look what Ariel sprouted from her garden!

Do you think it’s true that most artists have no business or financial sense, or at least a lot less than others? And if so, how come you have both? And do your “left” and “right” brain-sides ever battle with each other, or do they sit side by side easily and support one another?

No!  I don’t think that is true.  I think there is that idea that has been in our collective consciousness now for decades if not longer, so I think most people THINK that they must be one or the other.  It’s an idea that has been promoted and escalated off of a few grains of truth.  I think that the business world makes business stuff seem daunting and confusing.  It’s like lawyers using legalese.  If you read legal documents, it’s like reading another language.  People read the whole paragraph quickly and throw up their hands and can’t make sense of it, but if you take it one sentence at a time and take out the “hereby” and “hereforwith” and understand what words like “plaintiff” and “defendant” mean, then suddenly it’s clear.  You realize you can follow it and it isn’t scary.  I think people get legal notices and often just assume they are in trouble for something.  It’s like when you get a notice from the IRS, you think you must be in trouble.  Well, if you read it, without assuming you aren’t going to understand it, you may realize that all they want is another copy of your tax return because your original got lost or something simple.

I was recently helping someone and they said “Oh, and here I got all these scary notices from the IRS”… Well, they weren’t scary at all, they were telling her “thank you for filing your company information with us”!

I do think there is truth of course to the left-brain / right-brain stuff, but I don’t think it’s as black and white as we all make it out to be.  I think there are a lot more people out there like myself who have more of a balance, if that is the word.  And I’ve met a lot of clients who are artists who are incredibly organized with their financials.  They THINK they are not, which is funny.  Sometimes I have to say, “You really are on top of it, you don’t really need much help.”

I think there would not be the amount of work out there for lawyers or accountants if it wasn’t made to sound and appear so complicated.  Yes, laws are complicated, and yes, the tax code is insane, but for the simple person in a simple situation (which goes for a large chunk of the public), you really don’t need to be paying lawyers and accountants.  Any lawyer will tell you:  get things in writing, save receipts, write down the name of who you talked to, draft simple contracts that say what you will do and what the other person will do and sign it.  That’s all it takes to prevent most legal issues, but people don’t know these things and they don’t know their rights.  So there are lots of courtroom drama shows now with real people depicting simple activities that went awry.  It’s sad.  People in general need to educate themselves about their rights.  Take a business law class, just ONE CLASS, and you will know so much more in a month.  But people just assume they need experts to do things for them and tell them what to do.  It’s apparent we have this deficiency in so many other areas – education, medicine…  we think we need experts to teach our children and we need experts to diagnose our kids with every runny nose.  You know, we all used to live in caves and resolved our conflicts, got over our illnesses, and learned things.  There is way to much dependency on experts, probably because most people watch TV all day and get told you need experts for everything.  This goes back to my initial beef with humanity – think for yourselves!  I should probably get a cabin in the woods, and call it quits.

Ariel is a spicey Pisces

The name, Sprout… it “stems” (Ew!) from your passion for gardening, yeah?

Oh boy.  I think Sprout came from the idea that yes, I do love to garden.  When you start seeds, it’s always really exciting to see their little green tips come up a millimeter or so out of the soil.  You’ve been watering and watering for days or a week or so and then you see them!  They’re growing!  And that is the idea with the name.  I want to get people to that place in their business.  I want to help them get that sprout to germinate, and then they can take it from there with the watering can (Ooh boy, this is cheesey).  But that’s where plants need help, in the germinating stage.  It’s like that Frog and Toad story called “The Garden” where toad wants a garden just like frogs so he plants seeds.  He works way too hard and feels discouraged at every day when the seeds do not appear to sprout.  Then he takes frog’s advice and just calms down and the next morning the seeds are up.  I think a lot of stress goes into growing your business, and most people just need to sit back and be calm and take it one step at a time.  I also like the sprout reference to “small underdog” type of bussiness or people.  If I was aiming to help big companies, I’d call it GIANT SUNFLOWER ACCOUNTING or something.

Do you have any business role models that inspired Sprout? Examples of people doing a kind of work that made you say “Hey, I can make this happen….”

A scenario and feeling I keep going back to is when I helped this woman out in California.  She was this kind of crazy hippie lady who had a 7 year old kid; she wore crazy wild clothes and drove a junky car that was about to fall apart.  She was really pulling her life together one day at a time, but she was a bookkeeper and she did the bookkeeping for a place that I was working for.  When I left there she asked me if I wanted to help her.  It meant driving back and forth to Fairfax from San Francisco a few times a week (which was a lengthy drive) to go to her “home office” in Fairfax.  She lived in this big house that she rented with another roommate.  There were huge windows facing the sun, and it was very much in the country.  I’d sit there adding up receipts or whatever she needed, wearing what I wanted, chatting and laughing with her as we worked, and I realized how nice it was.  Even the drive was sunny, and enjoyable.  This woman had a stressful life, but it was far less stressful than going to a 9-5, having her kid in school and then daycare, commuting all the time…  she told me that she realized she could do this work and was good at it, could call her own fees and schedule.  That was in 1998 and I have held on to that image and the feeling I had when I was in Fairfax now for over a decade!  It was then that I really knew I wanted to work for myself and create that kind of a lifestyle.

Ariel with daughter Dora and her musical husband, Will the Moor

Have you got any “Things you can do on your own” tips for artists that can make their business life less cluttered, make it run more smoothly?

I’d just reiterate a few things I said already…  I think something people can do is take a few classes.  Even just one business law class opens your eyes up to so much – you realize you hold the power to a lot more than you think.  I wouldn’t really recommend any bookkeeping or accounting classes unless you want to take 4-5-6 of them… since just taking one wouldn’t really help.  But looking for free or inexpensive workshops for artists on accounting type subjects is good.  It’s hard to give advice here without getting into all the bookeeping stuff like “saving receipts”, “journaling what you did as an artist through out the year”…  but I would say that if you just take a big notebook and each year write in it, as detailed as you can, all the stuff you “do as an artist” AND save all your relevant receipts… you’ll have more going for you each year than someone who is not doing that.  And call me!  I can help!  Shameless plug!

To learn more:


sprout bookkeeping & consulting, LLC
PO Box 11878
Portland, OR 97211-3857

questions@sproutbookkeeping.com
503.704.9813

Theatre & Performance Magazine Interview

Posted in Gigs, Interviews on September 4, 2011 by Juha

Shortly before I debuted The Rock N Wrestle Roadshow at the Hot August Fringe, I was interviewed with RE-artzzZ for the Theatre & Performance Guide & Guru magazine.  You’re encouraged to buy the print edition, but they kindly gave me permission to reprint it here.

PROPERTY OF THEATRE AND PERFORMANCE GUIDE AND GURU
From Theatre & Performance Guide & Guru Magazine
Edition 3 – 2011

Exper–I–Mental
Performers discuss why we need to stretch and create our performance selves outside of constraint’s and boundaries – thus finding new ways forward in Performance Art.

We spoke to Collin Clay Chace – who’s currently performing his one-man Rock N Wrestle Roadshow - and RE-artzzZ, who work on experimental movement using the whole body – face, voice, emotions, impulses.

What does Alternative/Experiment mean to you ?

Re-ARTZZZ: Experiment/alternative doesn’t fit in the circus of conventional art forms. In our opinion you can’t put experimental art in boxes. It is about crossing borders, taking risks and changing existing art forms.

Collin: “Alternative” means that I’m not yet starring opposite Drew Barrymore in a romantic comedy, and that Eminem isn’t my opening act at an 02 concert. “Experimental” is something I’m afraid of because it deals in the unknown, whereas theatre with a “mission” is something I’m fearless about and can rock hard. Those experimental moments that I dare myself to do, however, usually end up being the strongest part of my show.

What is your catalyst in making performance of this kind, what drives you and why ?

Re-ARTZZZ: We enjoy exploring different ways of expression through the body. Also, as an art collaboration we are always keen to collaborate with artists from different backgrounds. In our current production, Asta Nielsen Is Dead (a silent movie), we’ve been working closely with a musician, an editor and with the history of early cinema. The combination of these elements is used to create our own show, style and to find our own mime on stage.

Collin: I’m a mentally ill dude with a “save the world” and “mission from God” complex. I call The Rock N Wrestle Roadshow a “one-man, multiple-personality performance” – a solo piece in which I play multiple characters. I think that if I didn’t give these characters the stage as an outlet, they’d manifest inside me as multiple personalities for real. So basically I do what I do to avoid adding Multiple Personality Disorder to my diagnosis.

How do you know, feel that your creative work has achieved what you intended it to do?

Re-ARTZZZ: We feel life on stage, when the audience is in front of us and reacts to our actions on stage. We also feel that we achieved our goal when we are able to teach our technique to other people or have a discussion with other artists and get feedback from them.

Collin: I have a number of intentions when I work. If I do a piece about mental health and a couple folks become financial supporters of a mental health charity as a result, that’s tangible proof that an intention has been achieved. If I’m addressing animal welfare and someone simply comes to view animals differently in their minds as a result, that’s a less visible aspect but also an achievement. Then there’s the personal artist aspect – “Did I do a powerful performance”? That can be gauged in a couple of ways. If the faces in your audience are caked in tears of sorrow and yet have birthed new laugh wrinkles since watching you, it was probably powerful to them. Then there’s how you feel about it – “Did I feel powerful, authentic, and in my element?” And if you feel great after doing a show, that’s a sweet thing.

Are you creating from a particular type of audience – how do you merge business and creative angles together , after all you do need people to buy tickets, or do you ?

Re-ARTZZZ: Of course, we love to show our work in the public and we need the feedback/reaction from the audience to take the next step in our work.  Therefore we like to show our piece at scratch nights before we plan a run at a fringe festival. As a collaboration, we like to collaborate with other artists, different topics, theories and (hi)stories. We are aiming to have a wide range of audience from different ages, background & cultures. In our Brighton Fringe Show of Asta Nielsen Is Dead we had some silent film fans in the audience… which was great!

Collin: I’m an ace at self-exploitation. I always knew that everything folks said I had working against me were my selling points. Back when AIDS was “God’s punishment for junkies and queers” rather than a disease in society’s eyes, my AIDS-related work was sought after. I was wrestling with a taboo subject that folks were afraid of at the time, and I think folks wanted to see the shows because inside of us, we hope confronting our fears will put those fears to rest. And having someone else confront those fears for you – by way of being an audience member rather than the dude on stage – is a gentler way of processing an issue than if you’re left to do it all on your own.

How do you discover something is performance worthy ? What assures you within , or do you attain feedback before you set it to Stage ?

Re-ARTZZZ: We believe within all ideas and art concept, the essence is to make the audience curious about it and surprise them. The element of surprise is a present for both, the artists and the audience. A present which can change your way of thinking about something and therefore it is worth doing/performing it.

Who is your icon in experimental theatre and what do you admire about them so much?

Collin: I don’t really have an icon, or if I do… it’s a kind of Frankenstein entity built with many bits of energy pulled from everyone I see. In my teens, I decided that no matter what song I stumble across, I’m gonna find at least one thing to appreciate about it. You can hear the most generic song, the most painful song to listen to, but you can still say “There’s a guitar solo in there. I can’t play guitar. I admire that this dude can.” Or even just, “The sound quality is good” or “It’s on the radio, so somebody enjoys it enough to give it a spin, and that’s nice.” You can always find something to admire. What I’m saying is that I take influence from everything, whether I dig it or not. That being said, I am in deep admiration of folks who do stuff I can’t imagine pulling off.  David Hoyle improvises his entire show, and manages to be hilarious, insightful, deep, and on-track. I think I can be hilarious, insightful, deep, and on-track – but only if I plan it well in advance. Improvisation awes me. The Zen ability to be fully authentic and vital in the moment. I don’t mind that improvisation ain’t my strong point, but it sure dazzles me when I see it. Also, several solo performers showed me or affirmed for me what I wanted to do: Anna Deveare Smith, Danny Hoch, John Leguizamo. And Whoopi Goldberg’s solo show was amazing, though I discovered it later. I guess I see The Rock N Wrestle Roadshow as part of that family. More than anything, though, I was influenced by underground disco culture – so soulful before it went mainstream, and the truest cultural melting pot America ever had – and by hip hop and punk rock and the artists who made it happen.

Money Money Money – would you feel honoured if you had 100,000 pounds to set up your show, or is budget not important to what you do ?

Re-ARTZZZ: To have a budget is very important. However, we think 100,000 GBP is a bit of too much! We work with costumes and props, but we try to be clear and minimal in our concepts. A budget that would enable us tofund our work and the work of our collaborators would be sufficient. A bonus would be for it to be enough to take our work up to festivals and abroad.

Collin: I could do The Rock N Wrestle Roadshow at the drop of a hat with just myself and a chair. Actually, I don’t need the chair; I’d just prefer to have it available. That 100,000 pounds, though? It is necessary, as I want to buy a house someday! That 100,000 pounds will be written up as “Additional Expenses.”

Venues , what works for you as a performance space /stage how do you relate to your space and what is the best place for your works ?

Re-ARTZZZ: We like the stage, its light and sound. On stage we can create our own world and dreams. On future projects we would like to change the seating configuration or not having audience seats at all. We would like to perform more within the audience or around them as we like to perform close to people. It is nice to go to a big theatre and watch an opera or a drama, but I think [RE: artzz]’s aesthetics is a bit too intimate for these huge houses.

Collin: My first solo show was If You Cough In A Metal Box, a mighty angry AIDS-themed piece created in the early 90’s as a community died around us. Somehow my first booking for it was at an Episcopal church. So I was doing anti-Pope rants literally from a pulpit. The audience sat in pews, and this gorgeous stained glass window was my backdrop. Madison Square Garden would be my venue of choice, but those Episcopal church-type moments are magical.

What kind of reactions do you like to receive in spaces ? What drives you and what drives you insane ?

Re-ARTZZZ: We like when people tell us that they were emotionally touched by watching our scenes, that they were able to feel something inside themselves; or that our concept was intellectually challenging. We get a bit frustrated when people say they didn’t get the story or the end of it – we don’t aim to tell them a soap opera on stage.

Collin: Actually, one of my favourite audience reactions happened in that space, too. A Russian grandmother came up to me and said, “I can’t speak much English. I have no idea what you said there. But I know that whatever it is you said, we aren’t allowed to say that in the Soviet Union. It’s your energy. I understood the energy. I love your energy. We aren’t even allowed to have that energy where I come from.” I’m a wordy motherfucker. I depend a lot on witty lines and being clever. But I always think of that woman before I rehearse now – a reminder that no matter how clever I may think the words are, it’s the energy that’s the essence of a show. The intention and energy is what will define it, what will make it memorable or forgettable.

Sticking to the script – how does each performance relate to what you planned to do /say /set out ?

Re-ARTZZZ: We always try to perfect our own mime on stage. Each performance is the next step to another movement we might do in future.

Collin: I have a clear mission with The Rock N Wrestle Roadshow, and I don’t think the seeds would come to fruition if I weren’t tied to the script deeply. The Rock N Wrestle Roadshow has in immense fragility about it, in that it deals in humour that at first seems pretty offensive. Johnny Love Lotion is a wrestler who’s talking about how great “faggots” are, and because he’s not using the “right” word for gay people, it takes you a minute to realize he’s genuinely full of admiration for them. Delilah becomes a peace activist because the war interferes with her sex life, as all the navy boys she’s been shagging keep “shipping off” to the Middle East. Johnny Deeper is a horny 15-year-old obsessed with boobs, a feminist nightmare – but also has something redeeming to say. And Huey is a former U.S. civil rights activist living with Tourette’s in the U.K. and is offensive to every race – even though he’s actually championing unity. My point is that these characters tread a fine line between being offensive and loving, and to veer from the script in my case would mean I’d risk losing the loving element through improvised babble. Again, I’m in awe of folks who can improvise, but even if I were an ace at it myself, I wouldn’t be able to with Rock N Wrestle. It’s just too fragile. You don’t wanna play too many games with God and mental health!

BOTH ACTS – The Rock N Wrestle Roadshow AND Re-ARTZZZ – can be seen at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern’s highly acclaimed Hot August Fringe Festival – and other dates in London and Europe.


Recycled Bush (or, “Bush: Sloppy Seconds”)

Posted in Uncategorized on July 6, 2011 by Juha

Today is George W. Bush’s birthday, and in celebration I reprint my old tribute to this President and icon of American cartoon characters here…

Recycled Bush
or, BUSH: SLOPPY SECONDS

During his 2000 Presidential campaign, George W. Bush Jr. staged a conference designed to win him some votes from the ladies.  I guess he figured he couldn’t do it on looks alone.  Bill Clinton and Al Gore may not have been your type of hunks, but we know they were at least somebody’s type; George ain’t no woman’s type at all.  I bet if you ask Laura what attracted her to him, “his smooth and sexy ways” won’t be the first thing that pops out of her mouth.  A little vomit, maybe.

George W. had a catchy name for his conference: “The W. Stands for Woman.” This means he was telling us that he’d like to be known as George Woman Bush.  Does George know what he’s doing when he puts the words “woman” and “bush” together? Is nobody on his team up on slang words for vagina? Your campaign crew should really have a check list for shit like that! “His name is already Bush.   Watch out for any words that further emphasize hairy pussy.”

One of the great things about Bush Jr. running was that anti-Bush activists could just recycle the old protest signs from when his dad was President (and actually, enabling that bit of recycling is the only thing a Bush ever did for the environment).  By far, my favorite anti-Bush slogan of the Senior years came from a posse of lesbians: “We Can Lick Bush If We Want To.” I hope Junior’s daughters, the Bush twins, run someday –  just so it can be used yet again.  Though “The Bush Twins” is a pretty funny phrase on its own.  [Note to self: copyright “Bush Twins” as title for Presidential porno.]

As far as “The W. Stands for Woman” goes, I say let’s hold him to it.  Call him George Woman Bush, or “The Bush Woman” for short.  If he’s really committed to women’s issues, he won’t let this threaten his masculinity.  In fact, I think we should make him demonstrate empathy for women by living as some did in the past… he’s a wealthy dude, so we’ll even let him live like the wealthy ones did:

     We, the people, demand that George Woman Bush conduct the remainder of his term in a Victorian dress and corset, and – in a move to affirm positive international relations with China – with bound feet.
In so doing, he will also appoint RuPaul to the position of Presidential Advisor, and submit to her makeup tips for all appearances, public and private.
In the event that the President can no longer adequately or merrily fulfill his duties in a dress, corset, and foot-binds, he agrees to resign his position of President immediately, having failed as the Bush of Women everywhere.

He’ll take a 26 percent decrease in his paycheck, on par with the national economic disparity between women and men’s paychecks.  I think he would also have a higher understanding of women if he knew what it was like to be fucked.  A little “Push Push In The Bush” could go a long way.  The trouble is, he ain’t no man’s type either, so finding a volunteer could be a problem.

Cruise Me Not, Tom

Posted in Uncategorized on July 4, 2011 by Juha

I missed Tom Cruise’s birthday yesterday, and feel awful about it.  As a belated gift, I reprint the tribute I wrote to him in 2006…

Cruise Me Not, Tom

For years, there’s been speculation about whether or not Tom Cruise is a closeted homo.  And Tom has gotten fed up with it.  A real man of action who has never been one to drop balls, Tom up & sued the ass off a tabloid when it ran an article about his supposed homo bent.  Claiming that the rumor “damaged his career” by making female fans think of him as romantically unavailable, he’s now zealous about heterosexuality.

That’s some serious deductive reasoning on Tom’s part, the whole romantically unavailable bit.  Tom, if you’re reading this – like I’m sure you are – I gotta say that I had been ignorant to the fact that female movie-goers believe – truly, and with every fiber of their beings – that as long as you’re hetero, they are bound to be the next Mrs. Cruise. “He’s a married movie star, and yet I’m sure: he’ll hone in on the radar of love that I’m sending out across the country, find me, swoop down, and take me away from here – the Payless in Pawtucket, Rhode Island.”
How dumb do you think women are, man?

What’s particularly disturbing about his actions is that he never sued a tabloid for implying he was straight.  Straight, thus “damaging his career by making his male fans think of him as romantically unavailable.” I guess hetero Hollywood heartthrobs value their straight female audience, but queer men are disposable.  The irony for the heartthrobs being that when their careers crash, they end up sucking dick for a living.

My people, I know about the old pictures of Tom posing “provocatively” for an early gay magazine, but I ask you: if Tom Cruise is gay, do we really want him coming outta the closet? I mean, look at him.  Look at him.  Maybe you’re turned on by a walking ventriloquist’s dummy, but even then… you can still find a Howdy Dooty doll to meet your needs.  At least Howdy will say what you want him to say in the way you want him to say it.  Tom? He may read lines from a script, but his delivery is annoying as hell.

My dear Gays – Do you see reasonable black americans jumping up and down, shouting with glee: “Colin Powell – he’s one of us!”? Or reasonable austrians bragging, “Arnold Shwarzenegger… love the way he makes those nazi ties sound sweet!”?

I pray Tom Cruise is not gay.  If he ever comes out as gay, I ain’t gonna be shouting “Steady represent, man!” I’m gonna be shelling out dough for the Scientologists, begging them to “cure” him again.

Tom, though I hope you’re not in a closet, I have advice for you if you are… Closets are comfy.  You can curl up into a little fetal ball on the closet floor, consider it a womb.  There are mothballs there.  No scary moths will bother you like they do in the great wide open.  Plus, you’re rich… your closet is bigger than the studio I live in.  You could set up a tent in your closet.  What a wonderful abode.  I’ll paint a little picture on the door for you there, and it will read “Home Sweet Home.”

I’m very scared by the fact that back when Rosie O’Donnell was “ambiguous” about her sexuality, she pretended to have a crush on Tom.  I fear she made a pact with him… “I’ll pretend I’m not a lesbo and that I have a crush on you; you pretend you’re not a gaylord and that you’re flattered.” Please, Lord – tell me that Rosie’s “coming out” don’t mean that Tom is gonna come out too. AND HEY! Speaking of lesbos reminds me: “Female fans” should certainly include a lesbian demographic, Thomas.  Maybe you should sue anyone who implies you’re not a romantically available, mullet-munching lesbian.

So when Tom sued the tabloid, the best part of the courtroom odyssey was when he said he’d “prove to you here today that I’m not gay!” How can your prove that shit? What is he gonna do? Kneel before the cocks of studly male jurors and not suck them off?  (“I love a hung jury.”)

Tom, you should hire me to be your personal “Tom is straight” advocate.  We’ll hang out and prove to the world you’re not gay by not having sex together.  We’ll have no romantic interludes – that’ll really show them.  They say “do what you love and the money will follow,” so I figure I might as well get paid for this, though not having sex with you is something that I gladly do for free.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: