Cruise Me Not, Tom

I missed Tom Cruise’s birthday yesterday, and feel awful about it.  As a belated gift, I reprint the tribute I wrote to him in 2006…

Cruise Me Not, Tom

For years, there’s been speculation about whether or not Tom Cruise is a closeted homo.  And Tom has gotten fed up with it.  A real man of action who has never been one to drop balls, Tom up & sued the ass off a tabloid when it ran an article about his supposed homo bent.  Claiming that the rumor “damaged his career” by making female fans think of him as romantically unavailable, he’s now zealous about heterosexuality.

That’s some serious deductive reasoning on Tom’s part, the whole romantically unavailable bit.  Tom, if you’re reading this – like I’m sure you are – I gotta say that I had been ignorant to the fact that female movie-goers believe – truly, and with every fiber of their beings – that as long as you’re hetero, they are bound to be the next Mrs. Cruise. “He’s a married movie star, and yet I’m sure: he’ll hone in on the radar of love that I’m sending out across the country, find me, swoop down, and take me away from here – the Payless in Pawtucket, Rhode Island.”
How dumb do you think women are, man?

What’s particularly disturbing about his actions is that he never sued a tabloid for implying he was straight.  Straight, thus “damaging his career by making his male fans think of him as romantically unavailable.” I guess hetero Hollywood heartthrobs value their straight female audience, but queer men are disposable.  The irony for the heartthrobs being that when their careers crash, they end up sucking dick for a living.

My people, I know about the old pictures of Tom posing “provocatively” for an early gay magazine, but I ask you: if Tom Cruise is gay, do we really want him coming outta the closet? I mean, look at him.  Look at him.  Maybe you’re turned on by a walking ventriloquist’s dummy, but even then… you can still find a Howdy Dooty doll to meet your needs.  At least Howdy will say what you want him to say in the way you want him to say it.  Tom? He may read lines from a script, but his delivery is annoying as hell.

My dear Gays – Do you see reasonable black americans jumping up and down, shouting with glee: “Colin Powell – he’s one of us!”? Or reasonable austrians bragging, “Arnold Shwarzenegger… love the way he makes those nazi ties sound sweet!”?

I pray Tom Cruise is not gay.  If he ever comes out as gay, I ain’t gonna be shouting “Steady represent, man!” I’m gonna be shelling out dough for the Scientologists, begging them to “cure” him again.

Tom, though I hope you’re not in a closet, I have advice for you if you are… Closets are comfy.  You can curl up into a little fetal ball on the closet floor, consider it a womb.  There are mothballs there.  No scary moths will bother you like they do in the great wide open.  Plus, you’re rich… your closet is bigger than the studio I live in.  You could set up a tent in your closet.  What a wonderful abode.  I’ll paint a little picture on the door for you there, and it will read “Home Sweet Home.”

I’m very scared by the fact that back when Rosie O’Donnell was “ambiguous” about her sexuality, she pretended to have a crush on Tom.  I fear she made a pact with him… “I’ll pretend I’m not a lesbo and that I have a crush on you; you pretend you’re not a gaylord and that you’re flattered.” Please, Lord – tell me that Rosie’s “coming out” don’t mean that Tom is gonna come out too. AND HEY! Speaking of lesbos reminds me: “Female fans” should certainly include a lesbian demographic, Thomas.  Maybe you should sue anyone who implies you’re not a romantically available, mullet-munching lesbian.

So when Tom sued the tabloid, the best part of the courtroom odyssey was when he said he’d “prove to you here today that I’m not gay!” How can your prove that shit? What is he gonna do? Kneel before the cocks of studly male jurors and not suck them off?  (“I love a hung jury.”)

Tom, you should hire me to be your personal “Tom is straight” advocate.  We’ll hang out and prove to the world you’re not gay by not having sex together.  We’ll have no romantic interludes – that’ll really show them.  They say “do what you love and the money will follow,” so I figure I might as well get paid for this, though not having sex with you is something that I gladly do for free.

One Response to “Cruise Me Not, Tom”

  1. he said he’d “prove to you here today that I’m not gay!” How can your prove that shit? What is he gonna do? Kneel before the cocks of studly male jurors and not suck them off? (“I love a hung jury.”)

    This is the best line ever!! you’re brilliant!!

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